Denial

I find it kinda funny,
I find it kinda sad
That the dreams in which I die
Are the best I've ever had

I find it kinda funny,
I find it kinda sad
...

Lines from one of my friend's favourite song. The first time i heard of the phrase 'living in denial' was from him. and then recently Tanushree. I confess, i still do not fully understand what they say, but i feel that the lines have some connection with the current state i am in right now, which i think is denial. i am just not ready to accept that hard work pays off. i've come this far without much hard work, and i do not believe that every parent and motivational speaker is correct when they say that hard work pays off. i am not ready to accept that intelligence has nothing to do with working hard. i do not believe that intelligence alone cannot guarantee a good academic performance. I do not believe a lot of things, even when the proofs are staring right at my face, pointing their fingers at me, and making fun. and i am not ready to accept responsibility for my failures. i find it lot easier to blame my peers, my upbringing, my family background, monetary status, college, the system, anything except me. coz i never had a situation where i had to stand up for myself, and i do not know how to. see what i mean? i can cite any number of reasons for my faults. faults in action, faults in virtues. a vicious cycle i've gotten myself into, and don't have the will and motivation enuff to break out.

boy! do i need my head shrinked or what!