January 8, 2006

Eternal Laziness of the Brainless Mind

have you ever felt trapped? like in a cage? when you realise that you'll be trapped there for eternity, the cage sorta gets comfortable. well, at least no one's gonna invade your space. but does that stop you from trying to escape from the cage? i guess not. then why is it only me that doesn't want to get out of the cage? since childhood, i've blamed everything on my laziness. it's like a cushion that dampens any impact. i feel like i've always walked the shortcut. the route that's shorter, but has a no entry sign outside it, partially hidden in the thickets surrounding it. the route's that not proper. and i've always come through. maybe even a li'l late, maybe missed a few checkpoints. but i've always come through, even though that wasn't the route i was supposed to follow. but right now, i feel like the shorter route has come to a dead end. the route that i've always trusted, or even just implicitly assumed that will get me out. and it's too late to turn back, and start over again, from the last junction in life. and hence, the feeling of being trapped. as to laziness, well that's one thing that i've always been attributed, 'my thing', even from early childhood. and i am lazy, i agree, but as to the cause of that laziness, well i'm still pondering over it after all these years. but being so accustomed to laziness, i've always taken the route that needs lesser work. that is the shorter route. and that has been my cage. trapped in my laziness, coz i'm too lazy to get out. does it sound too dramatic? i think it does. and yet, it sounds so true to me. like i was saying, after so many years, it gets very comfortable to stay lazy. 'comfortable' being in the short run, and not in the long run, which i know and agree. but does that encourage me to get up and try to unlock the cage? no. there's this knowledge at the back of the mind, which says that i will probably find a way out, if only i try hard enough. that brings us to my question:

when you know you can break free from this cage anytime you want, and when you're feeling comfortable inside the cage, why the hurry to break open?

this sounds so much like an addict saying he can quit whenever he wants to. and i despise myself for sounding like that. but what has happened to the world? why is everyone in such a goddamn hurry all the time? why push things when you can get them done all the same without pushing? i hate standing in queues. an improvement on queues is the token system, where you are specifically called upon when it's your time. and something like that should be implemented in life too. somebody should keep telling you what to do. being spoonfed is not so bad afterall. leaves your brain free for all the other things you want to think about. and i guess this is the result when you're spoonfed and mollycoddled all the time, because you're the younger one, the oh-so-cuter one, and sooner than you can blink, you are no more a child. you've been pushed into adulthood. all of a sudden, you're given responsibilities and are expected to uphold them, notwithstanding yesterday when they 'naturally' assumed you wouldn't be able to do a thing by yourself. i hate this. i can blame everyone and anyone for me having turned out as i have. it was the environment. it was the 'schooling'. it was the 'upbringing'. it was the 'friends circle'. (my personal fav - it's the 'system'). what you can see right now is the shorter route at work. blame everybody else, it makes work so much more easier. 'a jumble of nerves and contradictions'. that's what i feel like, and i really donno what Voltaire would say about that.

how can anyone like to work? pursuing a hobby, i can understand. having to work at a job to support livelihood, i can understand. and there are always the few fortunate ones, who are paid to enjoy. even that i can understand. but how is it that one who has no interest at all in a certain kind of work, given half a chance would quit it - how is it such a person eventually comes around to actually liking that work? stuck with it, trying to get free - ok. stuck with it, so no choice, have to live with it - ok. but stuck with it, so might as well like it, even though i have absolutely no interest in it - NOT OK!! doesn't it mean that one's changing one's values and tastes? doesn't it mean that one had definite opinions until now, but had to change them only because one's being bullied into?? i really don't get it. how else can millions of software engineers still go about their dreary lives every day of it? how is it that these millions inspire another million parents, who insist that their child too become one of these worker ants? is it fair at all???