Denial

I find it kinda funny,
I find it kinda sad
That the dreams in which I die
Are the best I've ever had

I find it kinda funny,
I find it kinda sad
...

Lines from one of my friend's favourite song. The first time i heard of the phrase 'living in denial' was from him. and then recently Tanushree. I confess, i still do not fully understand what they say, but i feel that the lines have some connection with the current state i am in right now, which i think is denial. i am just not ready to accept that hard work pays off. i've come this far without much hard work, and i do not believe that every parent and motivational speaker is correct when they say that hard work pays off. i am not ready to accept that intelligence has nothing to do with working hard. i do not believe that intelligence alone cannot guarantee a good academic performance. I do not believe a lot of things, even when the proofs are staring right at my face, pointing their fingers at me, and making fun. and i am not ready to accept responsibility for my failures. i find it lot easier to blame my peers, my upbringing, my family background, monetary status, college, the system, anything except me. coz i never had a situation where i had to stand up for myself, and i do not know how to. see what i mean? i can cite any number of reasons for my faults. faults in action, faults in virtues. a vicious cycle i've gotten myself into, and don't have the will and motivation enuff to break out.

boy! do i need my head shrinked or what!

guys, guys, listen to this

okay, imagine a student in the 3rd year of graduate studies, in a nondescript course in a nondescript institute, which for all purposes has delusions of grandeur. imagine, having slogged through five tedious semesters, the li'l engine simply slips back on the sixth semester, the core course is failed. this disqualifies him from sitting with the rest of his batch for campus placements, as he now has 'backlog' courses. imagine, that every student is allowed to sit for campus interviews only once, virtually eliminating all chances of acquiring a decent job. and oh btw, did i forget to tell you, the institute is still a new one, a thought experiment at formulating a new course, so is not officially recognised, but is already on the blacklist of several companies, all thanks to the first few batches (no shaan, this doesn't refer to you [:)]).

so,
1. No degree
2. No job
3. No chances of higher education
4. Lost four formative years, wasting time

now imagine, that all that i've written here can actually take place, and very much probable. now tell me, is there any reason why i should even worry about studying anything anymore?

the purfect jackass

hookay, for those of ya who donno know me, welcome to the world of the maniac.

me:

self-centered
wannabe
whiner
loser
crass
trying-to-sound-cool with apparently-smart-assed-wisecracks
follower
not-so-philosophical
kinda morose
irresponsible
whimp/wuss
always late
procrastinator extremum
dull n down

aslo me:

whimsical
retrospective
calm
verbal(i'm told)
considerate
friendly
motherly, even (ya, go on, i don't mind the jokes)
mamma's boy
smiling
villager lost in the big city
adjusting
limerickal! (:D)
daydreaming
pining for attention, will settle for care

reminds me of my SSC english story, TOW King Friedrich and Voltaire. Voltaire's described as a "bundle of contradictions". probly like that phrase kinda stuck in my system somewhere....

what am i doing?

i'm really afraid. my dad gives me vivekananda posters to boost my confidence in myself. how do i tell him that these very objects remind me how sorry a state i am in, needing artefacts to develop my confidence? how do i tell him that i never want to do public speaking workshops or character improvement courses? how do i tell him i don't want to manage my time, i want to let it flow? how do i tell him, i've been so spoonfed in my life i really don't know what it means to believe in myself? how do i tell him that my life ain't worth living at all?

a very good friend of mine told me that everyone of us always, i mean always wears a mask. sometimes, i feel that is kinda true. pause for a moment, and think of baring your deepest fears, your highest ambitions to someone, and you'll understand what you're hiding from the rest of us... is this because we are afraid of ourselves or opening up ourselves to others? i sure think so. there's a part of every one of us that's a li'l bit irrational, deranged even. it might be the smallest of things, like the door should be closed when ur in the room, or probably that all the pens and pencils should be in a particular corner of the desk. or maybe quite different things. but imagine if other people find out about these ideosyncracies..do we still remain the same person as before, or do we get conscious of what we are doing, every minute of the day. are you a different person, now that others know you like things a li'l different? or is it just because they'll make fun if they know, that we hide these things from them. do we hide anything from our parents? unintentionally maybe, even? are you ever scared that you've let down your parents? or do they support you enough to know when you've failed, and when you are really trying to succeed... what's your life got to do with your parents' anyway? or is it "oh my god! what are you sayin, that's blasphemy" to you? are we really living our lives for ourselves? do we have the right to live our lives for ourselves? shouldn't we be living our life for our parents, who brought us into this world, and when finished with that, live for the children that you're sure to bring into this world? oh no don't worry, i'm not doing dope, and neither am i a chuck palahniuk enthusiast. i'm willing to show you my real self, the way i am when there's no one around, or when no one's watching. but then, do you promise to still look at me the same way as before, and not be terrified? no i'm no psycopath, and neither am i a serial killer or a child rapist. but do you really have the guts to share my deepest emotions? and then will you have the courage to share with me yours? is this what they call face-off, where both the parties involved remove the masques? am i boring or what! right now, i'm listening to suneeta rao's pari hoon main, which roughly translates to i'm a fairy. sadly, these are times when fairy means a negative connotation. and sorry, i forgot to mention, i'm no fairy either. kinda feel like shouting i'm not air, i'm not wind..bullaki jaana main kaun hoon! who am i? who are you? no that's your name. no that's what you do. no that's your address, name, rank, serial no, id card, passport. who are you? what are you doing on this earth? no no, i don't mean on this earth as a factor of emphasis, i mean on this earth as in what right do you have living on this planet? does helping mankind give you any right? did mankind ever thank you for that help? or are you just a 'philanthrope who believes in mankind'? the only help one could possibly do to mankind is to supply gratiano's "halter gratis". i believe everyone of us is a shylock, and that he'd have been better off taking that rope. i believe in death, the impartial equaliser. i believe that the world is a horrible place. as much as i agree that chitra's poem is beautiful, i still believe it is idealistic, not realistic. there's a very thin line between realism and pessimism, and i believe that's because of the world, not because of me. i believe that Iain M Banks' Culture is not a viable option for us humans. there was a time, when i thought nothing was impossible, all that one needs is hardwork. now i'm waiting for that day again. i believe i'll never be able to find my neverland, cos of the simple reason that i'm too grounded in reality, and by god, i dare not dream of high hopes. no there's nothing really wrong in my life, just that it isn't mine. and i really dunno whether i wanna believe in myself anymore.

too much

too many things to do,
too many things to think
too many things to take you down
and end your life in a wink.

too many things to see
too many things to say
too many things to flee from
since life isn't yours to sway.

too many things to pray for
too many things to fear from
too many things to let alone
coz life ain't a junior high prom

too many things to experience
too many things not to
too many things to hold on
live life, do you ought to?