life, goals, passions and NFS-U2

the other day i was speaking to a very dear friend of mine, who's going through very tough times btw, and i had to tell him that i really do not have any passions. come to think of it, it's a very disturbing thought. imagine a life where all that a person wants to do is nothing. what is the use of such a life? what's the purpose of living like that? i know i have to change, i know i have to find something to do in life, i know i have to do a lot many things. but like he tells me, knowing that you have to do something, and having the conviction and the motivation to follow it through to completion, are very very different things. people have always told me knowing your errors is halfway to correcting them. how wrong they are. i've known all my errors even before committing them, but that never prevented me from going and doing them anyway. one really would not understand such a kind of thought processes in a 20-odd-yr-old, who's supposed to be mature enough to start his own life, but naah that's not me.

so okay, i might not have those strong passions, i may not have burning desires to achieve the highest of goals, but i mean, i got to have something to do. so i start thinking as to what do i want to do right now. trying to push away the most obvious answer glaring in one's face is quite difficult, especially if that answer was "nothing". nyways, so i sit down and say to myself, lets try and complete NFS-U, all the 111 races. so okay, i'm cruising along in my career, and suddenly the inevitable happens. i lose interest. except for the thought that i've got to complete the race, nothing makes me even want to steer the car. and predictably, it takes me umpteen number of restarts to finally make the first place. seeing the number of restarts it takes, the interest meter further lowers its pointer. so i realise that i'm too lazy to complete anything that i'll ever start. be it football, be it gym, be it sketching or solving crossword puzzles. is this what'll become of me? can't i ever find one blinding passion to rule my thoughts, desires and life? will all that i may ever achieve be the same as the next door neighbour or even less?

it's allright to say that every one's born for a purpose, but i tell you, getting to even know one's purpose might eventually take the life out of one. then what is the purpose of even living, when you've got to spend your whole life finding your purpose? twisted logic, lateral thinking, no that's not gonna help. these are not some math logic problems that akshat can solve in seconds, these are apparently questions of/in life. somebody help me here.

It's about time too

Exams are over. waiting for re - exams. waiting for results before that. nothing to do now, really. too lazy to play football. too tired even to go out for the second meal in a day. apparently farewell to seniors today, like i give a tiny snail's arse(especially with shaan not around). A in MLA. good news. MCS marks in two days. bad news. Algo results anywhere anytime very bad news. shitty RI. bad news. 3 months to do nothing. good news. parents calling from home. bad news. blogger all day long. good. me too boring for you. guess what? ya exactly. bad news. my brain too numb to process anything intellectually more exacting than a snail's progressive path finding and straight-line-path obstace detection/avoidance mechanisms. what's with my obsession with snail's anyway? too bad can't find any on this campus, coz it's FRIGGIN HOT!! bad news. hint of a drizzle earlier this evening. good news. infact very good news, the whole evening spent facing the wind. i guess i'm still a toddler sucking his thumb. i hold on to the li'l pleasures in life to go on living the next moment through. like the A in mla. gotta keep thinking about it to sustain my mood. or the assumed-but-not-so-apparent intellectual superiority over the 'lower mortals'. man, why am i so dark! no manjeet, (you d******k) i'm not talking about my complexion, i'm talking about my outlook towards everything. probably the wrong influence at the wrong time. probably just born too pessimistic. probably (more than probably, actually) too lazy to start a whole new paradigm shift in my views and outlook and opinions. but never too lazy to keep on blabbering bullshit about myself. oh c'mon guys, it's not like you've never expected this.

gotta start a diary, but then again, too lazy. but probably worth the time. in the future, for ppl to know why such a "wonderful smart little boy" went the way he did, whichever way he did go. then again, who am i kidding. who'd be interested in the life and times of a loser-wimp-whiner gone ballistic on the rooftop of a 4 storied academic building? oh shit! i've been blogging in my sleep again....