Flotsam and Jetsam

LOTR enthusiasts will readily recognise this as a title of one of the chapters in the second book. Infact, that's where i looted it from. Flotsam and jetsam is the equivalent of debris, only flotsam and jetsam are the result of something drowning, whereas debris is the result of something exploding or falling apart. and why is this a title, no it's not the result of intensive GRE prep's like some of my colleagues are in right now, it's just a thought out of the blue that reflects my mood right now...

i suppose life is like a huge ocean. there are ebbs and tides, there are ups and downs. far away strangers might become friends, close knit 'coteries' might just break up. imagine a raft made of wood, slats tightly bound with unbreakable cords. or atleast, previously thought unbreakable. the moment you realise that you were mistaken, and that the cords can really break apart, is the moment you realise the real danger you are in. you might sink with only a wooden log to hold onto, if lucky, or not even that. what do you do? you make sure that they are bound extra tight, and that you have the sufficient skill to tighten them up if they slacken. what if you can't? you just make sure you don't do extra harm to these ties. all this is well and good, but what if you realised that the cords were indeed only mortal bonds, breakable by all means, and you realise this only after they break apart while you are in the middle of high seas? godsaveyou!!! something similar in line is going on right now in my mind. the friendships that i thought i was really a part of, the circles that i thought i belonged to, are long gone. people only talk to me if they think i'm intelligent enough to answer the few doubts they have. others just look away, or steer clear from me, OSTENSIBLY "sticking to their own thoughts", while all the time thinking "oh god, not him again". only now do i realise that the bonds that were tied need tending to, and need taking care of, if only to make sure they are tighter. and then there are people, survivors, who can make do with just one log, and then there are other groups either too selfish to share their raft or too many that their raft sinks due to sheer weight. where am i? what am i doing? do i even have a support? would i even know if i were drowning? dunno. a big Shunya. Cipher. Sifar. Zero. no naresh, you might prove to me that i am not an empty set, but i really don't think so.

just the other day i was actually counting my friends, still close to me. i know the very act is despicable, but one never knows. one always needs to take stock of one's company and one's self. taking stock of myself has never happened, can't happen, too tired, too fearful, so who are my real close friends is the more interesting question. and i wasn't really surprised that the set had a cardinality less than 10. i dunno if it's something i say, or it's somthing i do, but i do know that i'm a natural repellant for people in general. believe me, i have tried to improve on it. somehow, nothing works. being outright frank is probably not the right way, but sorry, i lack diplomacy. and if you don't have the guts to face the truth about yourself, probably you shouldn't have any friends at all. some might say who needs friends anyway. but there is always that something more that you get, if you believe that you are entitled to it, rather than just recieving it because you deserve it. imagine being stuck somewhere on the highway. you call up someone, get someone or the other somehow to help you out, and even your bike if possible. it's just that much more fun, if it's someone who accepts you as a friend. later you could even laugh about it. but imagine the guy who came came out of pure civic sense, with no emotional attachments, and even slight misgivings about the whole idea. he probably will curse you till the end of the day... you get the idea right?..

at a time when i should actually feel elated, i really don't know the reason why i'm so down.. it just could be the sympathy factor. or am i really just so boring that i put off people? i thought i was reasonably intelligent.. maybe infact i am low in IQ, or EQ, someQ.. donno...fine. gotta get outta this shit. there are people who care for me, and there are people that i care for. guess that should be enuff. life should go on..