japanese (hehe)

some things i learnt:

asubo: play
atashiwa/bokuwa/orewa: I/me
omaiwa/temewa: you
hayaku: hurry up
ikuzu: let's go
des: is (like hain in hindi) suffix
ka: question (like kya?) hindi
kssse: damn it
timmeh: bastard (or some other profanity)
baakayero/baakamono: idiot
taicho: captain
nee-chan/onee-chan: elder sibling (still some confusion about the gender, lots of theories and counter examples)
kaa-san: mother
tou-san/oya-jii: father
naan: what ()suffix
daichobu: everything allright
so: so as in english (so des ka? translates to is that so?)
sugoi: wow, amazing, excellent
obaa-san: old lady
ojii-san: old man
chotto: little
matta: wait
zutto: always/forever
genjutsu: reality/alternative reality
ittakimaasu: something we say when we are leaving
ohio: good morning
ikerunasai (or something like that): welcome back.
shaase buridana: long time no see
itadakimasu: something that is said before digging into a meal (prayer?)
sensei: teacher
senpai: senior
ototo: li'l bro
gome/gomena/gomenasai/suimasen: sorry (in varying degrees)
arigato: thank you
gozaimaas: much more/ very much (i think it increases the degree someway)
heiya: room
-kun/chan: honorific used to denote familiarity (kun suitable for males, chan for females, although not strictly enforced)
-san: honorific used to denote respect
-sama/dono: honorific used to denote great respect and honour
gan: eye (byakugan, sharingan)
byaku: white (byakugan, byakuya)
sen: 1000 (when used as a number)


hmmm.. not bad i guess, considering all of this out of only anime...

TAGGED!!

been tagged by my loony roomy, Kangaroo high on life, and coming as it does after the grave danger for bloggers, i guess this is but a letdown. anyways, i'll try my best to be me (ouch! what a total Loser!!)

Bees: Everything is always about me. be it other's actions, or even other's thoughts, the only thing that goes in my mind is how does it affect me. all i think is about me. that is, of course, if i do think.

Unnees: am a first rate hypocrite. now does that make this a paradox? if a liar says he's lying, isn't he telling the truth? can't stand things that i'm not good at. can't take an impartial stand on anything, coz from Bees, my opinion on anything changes according to the effect it has on me.

ATThara: Like to think of myself as a Mathematician. see ? this is Unnees in action.. i know i can't even hold a candle to all those cat toppers, but still i'd like to think of myself as high and lofty.

Sathra: Cause for ATThara being i like logic and reason. not to the extent that i exclude faith from my beliefs, but yes, sometimes i do think why am i even praying. but then i realise, there has to be an all-powerful being, since the big bang theory doesn't hold up for all time. So is faith an outcome of failure of reason? or is reason just another form of faith?

Sola: sometimes Sathra even affects my social life. i mean, who would actually enjoy a logically correct joke? who in the first place would recognise it for being logically correct? Damn you, Aristotle. (if you are thinking this was a logically correct joke, you are gravely mistaken. coz i myself dunno what i'm typinh.)

Pandhra: Sometimes love li'l conundrums, play on words, oxymorons, and all such things. though i admit i can't solve puzzles for s**t, i still like the solutions or the thought process towards solution (better than the puzzle sometimes). one natural outcome of this being my affinity towards the Bard's Balderdashes in all their divine glory.

Chowdha: still believe that i'm superior to many people. that only reminds me i'm inferior to many more, but can't get rid of this complex. sometimes clouds my judgement. have an irrepresible urge to compare myself with anyone i come to know. "Pathetic existence" you say? hehe you don't even know the P of it yet.

Tera: a social outcast. i know all the smiles and TTY shouts i encounter in the hallways are but facades of much deeper feelings, which neither of us are ready to face yet. "friendly banter" and "camaraderie" are but euphemisms for "f**k you man, i wish i were in your place". or is this just a reflection of my thoughts and hence absolutely false? but i really lack true friends. friends who are willing to help me, yes, friends who are willing to take risks for me, yes. i do have them. but friends i'm willing to open up to? not yet.

Baara: i wish i was an intellectual. i really donot understand the concept of intellect or of art. but i do believe that philosophy is broader and encompasses science, so i'll always value intellect above intelligence. only, i don't know what is intellect. i know i don't have it, but i think some people do. just another concept to conquer, a bit difficult one tho.

Gyaara: Simply love the concept of a basis spanning a vector space. or in other words, linear independence. i think it's analogous in some way to a set of axioms creating a whole theory. or to a set being partitioned (do the words mutually exclusive and exhaustive ring a bell?). Whole of Geometry is based on axioms one of which is that point has no dimension. corollaries of this are that line has no area, plane has no thickness. can a person be simply expressed as a (be partitioned into) set of tastes and beliefs? what is it that differentiates a rational person from an automaton that creates its own theory based on the same facts of the same world? or in other words, can we create a being which is self-willed, but takes predictable actions, as would a hypothetical 'rational human devoid of emotion' ? can we then say a person is but an embodiment of a set of tastes and beliefs and nothing else?

Dus: sometimes really love totally illogical moments too. like the movie Dus. or Raj's pj's. prolly the reason i hang a stone around my neck. btw, does anyone have an idea why i would do that? help me out.

Nou: oh i almost forgot. the perfunctory "I'm a lazy person" point. seems like everyone's having a free point, i might as well take it too. for more details, contact His Excellency The Mighty Gluteus Max. his address is usually ambiguous, but i believe his summer residence is A207, winter residence is A202. usually prowls around the A2xx wing.

AaTh: Something about me, sthing abt me.... haven't the previous points totally exhausted my personality? i sure aplogise for them not being exclusive :P

Saath: sensuality is something that appeals me very strongly. i'd prefer to ogle at a sensual woman than drool at a sexual female. overt sexuality is something that puts me off. "Choodachakkanitanam" in telugu.

Che: as the numbering would indicate, i'm hopeless at hindi. but i still try my best. sometimes i get so frustrated at genders and past participles and such, i myself have trouble understanding what i say.

Paanch: Love to learn all the languages and scripts. Love to learn all the musical intstruments also. wild phantasy: one day i wake up to realise that i have a long forgotten gift at both music and language and math, such that i understand everything everyone speaks. Guess i like to understand things more than create something by myself. Aristotle's Passive Observer. guess it figures why i'd like the solution or the process towards solution more than the puzzle itself.

Chaar: never had any tastes or opinions in anything. absolute white paper. guess another attribute of a passive observer. and ultimately i become nothing, just remain in the background. composing background music for life in the manner my loomy (loony roomy, cho chweet loomy) envisions, but never living life itself. does that make me immortal? hehe.

Teen: really in need of a girlfriend. need not be very clever, need not be very rich. need not even be friends to start with... but should be of rounded proportions, and willing to bear the company of a despo tarkhi. the reason why i'm still single, even with such a magnificent brain and body? a much more magnificent ego, munificent enough to bother about self only. guess i'll really die alone.

Do: do need close friends too. i do have real good friends, friends willing to take risks for me, willing to help me out. but none i'm willing to open up to. there are secrets, and there are secrets. trust is not a very firm concept. not all transportation problems are in balance. 21 years of life have only taught me ignorance. can't find a more ignorant person than me in college. (KR Narayanan died?? oh i see. is RK Narayanan alive??)

Ek: what the previous unnees points add upto is not something very uncommon. it's called a loser. simple and neat axioms, assumptions or whatever, strongly intermingling with each other to create a web of contradictions, inaction and pathetic existence, appropriately termed as a loser. i think this is logically correct, but not a joke eh?

now to some questions: if i tag someone already tagged, aren't they obliged to write more about themselves? if yes, then consider this case, the barber's mirrors. A keeps tagging B, and B A. and they are truthful about every point they note. Now will the tagging ever stop? (halting problem?) if it does, then it means either A or B doesn't have anymore to say about themselves. doesn't that mean they are finite sets of points, either beliefs or tastes? If the tagging never stops, then don't they have a life? (cheap joke akshat, i know, just cudn't resist..)

Convergence (math please, forgive me)

This is probably the whole idea that made math simply beautiful. i'm not qualified enough to give a discourse on this topic, but it's just so brimming with possibilities that i cannot stop myself...
'disclaimer' tipe:
fine even if you listen or not, i like to keep rambling on, so this is not for morons who just can't appreciate the significance of maths. and neither is this for those who just can't keep up with my extremely irritating style of writing..(oops, i just lost my readership!)..

so what's with this convergence anyway huh??well, the first glimpse that i got of this function, was back in the days when i was preparing for the great IIT-JEE, when the class was introduced to Taylor's and McLaren's series... actually, i think, it's way before that... Remember mathematical induction? remember all those expressions for the nth term and stuff, sums of series types? well all those formulae are i think some kind of convergence... i vaguely remember there was a polynomial expansion for pi too. dunno. but definitely, there is an expression that evaluates to the value of 'e', the base of the natural logarithm, and closer the value for higher the degree of the polynomial you evaluate. so you see, the point of concern here is that the polynomial 'converges' onto the value of e for some n.. another instance, one you might relate with, is that of functions.. say f(x)=sin(x)/x. we know:
-1/x <= sin(x)/x <= 1/x; (since -1 <= sin(x) <= 1) we also know that (1/x) -> 0 as x->inf; and -1/x -> 0 as x -> inf; (the symbol '->' being approaches to ).. so we can clearly see, that
sin(x)/x -> 0 as x -> inf.

until now, if you've thought either "mamma" or "tty" or "abbeeyy" you really shouldn't be reading this, because this is all high school math till now. the reason i put up this post, beside the negative publicity that i'm sure it will create, is that this is probably the first that time that convergence knocked on our head and we didn't recognise. here, the function is "bounded" on both sides by convergent functions. 1/x cannever be zero. but we can make it as arbitrarily close as we want to. this is the idea of convergence. that in the near future, the hope that stability can be achieved. ganga and yamuna converge on the banks of allahabad. 1/x and -1/x can be thought of two rivers that are coming ever closer as we go to larger x, in search of the elusive Prayag. since sin(x)/x keeps bouncing between these two rivers, it also is bound to meet at prayag, namely, zero. but since nobody can plot out all the values of x (remember, the real number set is uncountably infinite) no one can say that it cannot reach 0.

these are only instances of convergence. like i said before, to me the word means the hope that stability will be achieved sometime later. the reason i chose this topic, is that this semester, especially after mla last sem, really feels converging to a point. although irregular, like sin(x)/x in the beginning, maybe the theory i read will someday achieve a closure of some kind. the hope that all different branches of mathematics or physical sciences will converge, is one kind of convergence, and such a Unification Theorem will achieve closure over knowledge gained from observations and experiments alone. i may not be blessed to live long enough to see this happen, but atleast the subjects that i read, if they converge on a topic, or on a set of ideas, that will more than be enough for me. my holy grail will have been achieved. already, there are a few basic ideas that are common to all the courses i've taken this semester. the idea that everything is a set, introduced first in mla, is now quite evident in moc. moreover, sets can have such deeper meanings that there are whole branches of mathematics dedicated to the study of one particular types of sets. Topology is a spinoff from Group Theory, i think, and Group Theory is but the study of specialised sets. a mathematician would have killed me at this point, for the sheer callousness with which I brush aside these holy and revered subjects.

point to note: Inner Direct Product and External Direct Product of groups is very similar to the internal and external products of two vectors. and since groups and vector spaces are both Algebraic Structures (note the capitals), probably there is some unifying theory for these Structures.

We were taught (a debatable point, i agree...) right in the first semester that matrices and systems of linear equations weren't all that different. now i see that even groups and vectors aren't all that different, and everybody knows vectors can be represented by matrices. you see, everything is coming closer... or did it start off like that? were matrices first discovered or Algebraic Structures? is math creation of useful tools to work with, like integrals and derivatives, or is it understanding the true nature (think fibonacci and golden rectangle) of Nature? i think these doubts can be classified as consequences of three essential 'dichotomies' - a dichotomy is a split - discussed in a journal in the library. infact i suppose this urge to post a blog on math is the direct effect of a rare occurence, namely my reading a journal in the library. this article discusses three fundamental dichotomies that can be found in math, and also in languages in general. well, more on that later...

Flotsam and Jetsam

LOTR enthusiasts will readily recognise this as a title of one of the chapters in the second book. Infact, that's where i looted it from. Flotsam and jetsam is the equivalent of debris, only flotsam and jetsam are the result of something drowning, whereas debris is the result of something exploding or falling apart. and why is this a title, no it's not the result of intensive GRE prep's like some of my colleagues are in right now, it's just a thought out of the blue that reflects my mood right now...

i suppose life is like a huge ocean. there are ebbs and tides, there are ups and downs. far away strangers might become friends, close knit 'coteries' might just break up. imagine a raft made of wood, slats tightly bound with unbreakable cords. or atleast, previously thought unbreakable. the moment you realise that you were mistaken, and that the cords can really break apart, is the moment you realise the real danger you are in. you might sink with only a wooden log to hold onto, if lucky, or not even that. what do you do? you make sure that they are bound extra tight, and that you have the sufficient skill to tighten them up if they slacken. what if you can't? you just make sure you don't do extra harm to these ties. all this is well and good, but what if you realised that the cords were indeed only mortal bonds, breakable by all means, and you realise this only after they break apart while you are in the middle of high seas? godsaveyou!!! something similar in line is going on right now in my mind. the friendships that i thought i was really a part of, the circles that i thought i belonged to, are long gone. people only talk to me if they think i'm intelligent enough to answer the few doubts they have. others just look away, or steer clear from me, OSTENSIBLY "sticking to their own thoughts", while all the time thinking "oh god, not him again". only now do i realise that the bonds that were tied need tending to, and need taking care of, if only to make sure they are tighter. and then there are people, survivors, who can make do with just one log, and then there are other groups either too selfish to share their raft or too many that their raft sinks due to sheer weight. where am i? what am i doing? do i even have a support? would i even know if i were drowning? dunno. a big Shunya. Cipher. Sifar. Zero. no naresh, you might prove to me that i am not an empty set, but i really don't think so.

just the other day i was actually counting my friends, still close to me. i know the very act is despicable, but one never knows. one always needs to take stock of one's company and one's self. taking stock of myself has never happened, can't happen, too tired, too fearful, so who are my real close friends is the more interesting question. and i wasn't really surprised that the set had a cardinality less than 10. i dunno if it's something i say, or it's somthing i do, but i do know that i'm a natural repellant for people in general. believe me, i have tried to improve on it. somehow, nothing works. being outright frank is probably not the right way, but sorry, i lack diplomacy. and if you don't have the guts to face the truth about yourself, probably you shouldn't have any friends at all. some might say who needs friends anyway. but there is always that something more that you get, if you believe that you are entitled to it, rather than just recieving it because you deserve it. imagine being stuck somewhere on the highway. you call up someone, get someone or the other somehow to help you out, and even your bike if possible. it's just that much more fun, if it's someone who accepts you as a friend. later you could even laugh about it. but imagine the guy who came came out of pure civic sense, with no emotional attachments, and even slight misgivings about the whole idea. he probably will curse you till the end of the day... you get the idea right?..

at a time when i should actually feel elated, i really don't know the reason why i'm so down.. it just could be the sympathy factor. or am i really just so boring that i put off people? i thought i was reasonably intelligent.. maybe infact i am low in IQ, or EQ, someQ.. donno...fine. gotta get outta this shit. there are people who care for me, and there are people that i care for. guess that should be enuff. life should go on..

woah wo woaa ah... aah aaahhCCCHOOOOOOoooo.. eeoww goo on my hands.. wash room where where wash room.. ah aah aaahhCCHHHoooooo.. eeoww run run... ah wash basin water clean hands clear nose.. bliss... oh no, .ah.. here it ..aaah.... comes again AaaaHCCHHOOooo woah that was me? hehe canteen is still resounding... eeoww again.. gotta clean my hands.. and nose for that matter. but does it matter? lotsa gooey matter in mah nose.. need to cut off my nose.. hmmm wonder how surpanakha felt?? she wouldn't have had this problem for sure.. acchoo.. head splitting ache.. need some pills.. hmm what pills do i take? oh ok there.. green pills... fave colour.. obviously green pills mean peace... world peace.. wheee... (pop) hmm wonder what medicine it has? dunno waoh dizzy whoozy wheezy hmm.. slapping my head certainly doesn't make any sense.. mmm.. oh no .. ah aaah aaaahhh hmm.. nothing? that hurts.. all that for noth-- AAHCCCHOOOO... oh well.. by god and all his holy angels... if i live this week, that'd be, like, woah...

The 'J' factor

oh c'mon guys, this was gonna come sooner or later. for cross reference, one can always check up on raj's blog, dealing with the D factor. so what's with J now? yup, thou guess't it right. another invisible sphere that differentiates the haves from the havenots. and what is it the haves have or the havenots haven't? it's a decent Job. believe me when i say there are times when it is just too damn difficult to even lift up my head while walking in the corridors. there's that invisible J halo around everyone else's sniggering face. and it really takes a lot to step up and congratulate those who have landed a coveted career when i'm still seething behind my mask of accepted-failure, especially when i think that i am much more worthy of especially that coveted thing than the congratulatee. but of course, whenever did what-i-think-of-myself matter anyway? walking along the edges of the corridors, trying best to avoid everyone's sypathetic gaze, ducking into corners to actually evade individuals... oh my frigging god! i'm a convicted criminal already! noooooo somebody bail me out!!! oh and incidentally, i think the usage of 'bail' is the same in either bailed out of prison, or bailing somebody out of a sinking ship...

neways, so getting back to my original lament, i think all the geniuses of this world have contrived to come up with a most ingenious plan to compel me to undertake Mortification of the Body.. by actually suggesting that i needed a tie. coz u see, same dress, same tests, same results for a week. would adding a tie alter the result? gonna find out 2moro. so my advice to all jobless loafers out there. don't change your dress for teh next interview, just put on a tie. and for cripe's sake let nature take it's toll on that facial hair. no need to hinder the natural growth process of a patch of hair.. you wouldn't be able to find them anyway in a few years.. so let them flourish while they can.. unless ofcourse, it hinders your eating habits. by which time you should have changed your eating habits... speaking of eating habits, this quasi-intellectual needs to stuff some stuff somewhere, so so long..

Life is just a huge real time MMO-RPG

Glory be to thee, O proud runner,
and since i'm not a good punner
i'll stop writing such shit
that your eyes don't see fit
to sit beside so many a stunner...

idiotic and stupid as it sounds, this was inspired by my blog being accepted into the da-iict's rss feed (i'll leave finding out the connection for you, i'm not that stupid :P) and as for akshat, i appreciate this gesture, but i'll feel better only after i've seen some of those elusive comics!!!

at this juncture, when all the world is busy fighting their lives for their future, i take a moment to bring to your notice, that the future is but fickle, and lost souls like myself shouldn't be feeling too sad, just bad. or not. for where in lies the adventure, if the next five years become predictable? where will your spirit soar, if it is fettered by shackles of bonded labour? anyways like i said, souls like myself feel a need to justify their complete uselessness somehow, so we pretend to not notice what's going in the real world, and tend to slip into our very own world. where kalimdor is at war with azeroth, and character files tend to get corrupted. but a better world (mmo/rpg, that is) would be where every CJ can choose his own Kendl, and still go to war with the ballas fools. or where Sweet is really your brother, and not just a useless bot. idea courtesy the original thinker, a.k.a. g.o0o.se. or maybe where the ballas fools had the help of orcs, and humans had to side with grove street as their only hope. hmm. got to work out the details. and oh, btw, did i mention that people in my world tend to lose touch with your world to the extent that they don't care about their future? no? not that they really do care at all...

been too much outta touch, so get back ta ya l8r...

The moonglade is lovely, dark and deep,
But i have quests to complete,
And blogs to read before i sleep,
And blogs to read before i sleep.

searching for a better thing to do while i while away my time in the hope of an all-out night out, i start blogging. but since i'ev got no topic in mind, and too lazy to do any thinking, here's a list off the top of my mind...

some things i like:

words like pleonasm (don't confuse with neoplasm) and adventitious
that i come across in friends' blogs (which incidentally make me look up dictionaries)
Amul ka Rs.5 wala chaas packet.
jeans, faded or torn by natural usage, not artificially altered.
recieving calls from long-lost friends, especially female.
wind blowing in my face, like right now, where i'm sitting beside a window.
raj's pc, coz there's always something interesting.
my roomy's attitude toward life.
frogs croaking and crickets chirping under a full moon lit night.
MD PC and his antics, especially on tours :D.
Volvo buses and reclining seats.
cute chicks in pink and blue furry lingerie.
nightly walks on lonely roads, especially with ones whom i can talk freely.
a dinner wholly on chawal and homemade achar.
my friends and my batchmates, their quirkinesses and solidarity.
keyboards that have non-sticky keys and heavy bases (like andy has right now).
not having to switch off the lights when other ppl are sleeping in the room.

things i don't like:

getting up early in the morning to attend shitty GRE classes, taken by Neeru, especially if its AWA.
loud music from movva's room, especially when i'm trying to sleep.
lalla trying to throw his weight around.
ppl who have reservations against me watching naruto manga.
security guards who force you to quit lab, even if it's before closing time.
having to sms out-stationed friends, rather than call, since they are on roaming.
ppl who say they will reply but never do, to your mails.
me.
videos and movies trying to pass off uncensored material as "demanding by the plot" rather than accepting it's pure porno sleaze.
misunderstandings, especially the ones caused because i really can't articulate my thoughts and feelings.
having to be a parasite on other's comps, coz i don't have the face to ask my parents buy me one.
excessive usage of first person reflexive pronouns (i, me, my, ..) in my writings.
that urge to have a puff whenever i see ppl smoking.


cya guys.

I can still feel you, o Wind
The fleeting glances
The nightly sojourns
from a caring touch
to a loving embrace

I can still see you, o Wind
rushing past, looking back
filling me up to let me dry
lolling around in the gardens
flying around the whole world

I can still recall, o Wind
those private moments
from atop the hills of Vizag
to the jain temples of Abu
moments that i cherish even now

I do remember you, o Wind
at times so angry
to knock me down
at times so willing
to hold me up

under different skies, i met You
dawn-fresh red and lazy noon white
young nightly black and cool evenin'blue
in the grounds of a Ba'hai temple
and again in the resorts at Munnar

But do I know you, o Wind
do you really see me?
faceless yet facing me
pointless yet pointing away from me
what is thy will, o heavenly Wind?

life, goals, passions and NFS-U2

the other day i was speaking to a very dear friend of mine, who's going through very tough times btw, and i had to tell him that i really do not have any passions. come to think of it, it's a very disturbing thought. imagine a life where all that a person wants to do is nothing. what is the use of such a life? what's the purpose of living like that? i know i have to change, i know i have to find something to do in life, i know i have to do a lot many things. but like he tells me, knowing that you have to do something, and having the conviction and the motivation to follow it through to completion, are very very different things. people have always told me knowing your errors is halfway to correcting them. how wrong they are. i've known all my errors even before committing them, but that never prevented me from going and doing them anyway. one really would not understand such a kind of thought processes in a 20-odd-yr-old, who's supposed to be mature enough to start his own life, but naah that's not me.

so okay, i might not have those strong passions, i may not have burning desires to achieve the highest of goals, but i mean, i got to have something to do. so i start thinking as to what do i want to do right now. trying to push away the most obvious answer glaring in one's face is quite difficult, especially if that answer was "nothing". nyways, so i sit down and say to myself, lets try and complete NFS-U, all the 111 races. so okay, i'm cruising along in my career, and suddenly the inevitable happens. i lose interest. except for the thought that i've got to complete the race, nothing makes me even want to steer the car. and predictably, it takes me umpteen number of restarts to finally make the first place. seeing the number of restarts it takes, the interest meter further lowers its pointer. so i realise that i'm too lazy to complete anything that i'll ever start. be it football, be it gym, be it sketching or solving crossword puzzles. is this what'll become of me? can't i ever find one blinding passion to rule my thoughts, desires and life? will all that i may ever achieve be the same as the next door neighbour or even less?

it's allright to say that every one's born for a purpose, but i tell you, getting to even know one's purpose might eventually take the life out of one. then what is the purpose of even living, when you've got to spend your whole life finding your purpose? twisted logic, lateral thinking, no that's not gonna help. these are not some math logic problems that akshat can solve in seconds, these are apparently questions of/in life. somebody help me here.

It's about time too

Exams are over. waiting for re - exams. waiting for results before that. nothing to do now, really. too lazy to play football. too tired even to go out for the second meal in a day. apparently farewell to seniors today, like i give a tiny snail's arse(especially with shaan not around). A in MLA. good news. MCS marks in two days. bad news. Algo results anywhere anytime very bad news. shitty RI. bad news. 3 months to do nothing. good news. parents calling from home. bad news. blogger all day long. good. me too boring for you. guess what? ya exactly. bad news. my brain too numb to process anything intellectually more exacting than a snail's progressive path finding and straight-line-path obstace detection/avoidance mechanisms. what's with my obsession with snail's anyway? too bad can't find any on this campus, coz it's FRIGGIN HOT!! bad news. hint of a drizzle earlier this evening. good news. infact very good news, the whole evening spent facing the wind. i guess i'm still a toddler sucking his thumb. i hold on to the li'l pleasures in life to go on living the next moment through. like the A in mla. gotta keep thinking about it to sustain my mood. or the assumed-but-not-so-apparent intellectual superiority over the 'lower mortals'. man, why am i so dark! no manjeet, (you d******k) i'm not talking about my complexion, i'm talking about my outlook towards everything. probably the wrong influence at the wrong time. probably just born too pessimistic. probably (more than probably, actually) too lazy to start a whole new paradigm shift in my views and outlook and opinions. but never too lazy to keep on blabbering bullshit about myself. oh c'mon guys, it's not like you've never expected this.

gotta start a diary, but then again, too lazy. but probably worth the time. in the future, for ppl to know why such a "wonderful smart little boy" went the way he did, whichever way he did go. then again, who am i kidding. who'd be interested in the life and times of a loser-wimp-whiner gone ballistic on the rooftop of a 4 storied academic building? oh shit! i've been blogging in my sleep again....

Denial

I find it kinda funny,
I find it kinda sad
That the dreams in which I die
Are the best I've ever had

I find it kinda funny,
I find it kinda sad
...

Lines from one of my friend's favourite song. The first time i heard of the phrase 'living in denial' was from him. and then recently Tanushree. I confess, i still do not fully understand what they say, but i feel that the lines have some connection with the current state i am in right now, which i think is denial. i am just not ready to accept that hard work pays off. i've come this far without much hard work, and i do not believe that every parent and motivational speaker is correct when they say that hard work pays off. i am not ready to accept that intelligence has nothing to do with working hard. i do not believe that intelligence alone cannot guarantee a good academic performance. I do not believe a lot of things, even when the proofs are staring right at my face, pointing their fingers at me, and making fun. and i am not ready to accept responsibility for my failures. i find it lot easier to blame my peers, my upbringing, my family background, monetary status, college, the system, anything except me. coz i never had a situation where i had to stand up for myself, and i do not know how to. see what i mean? i can cite any number of reasons for my faults. faults in action, faults in virtues. a vicious cycle i've gotten myself into, and don't have the will and motivation enuff to break out.

boy! do i need my head shrinked or what!

guys, guys, listen to this

okay, imagine a student in the 3rd year of graduate studies, in a nondescript course in a nondescript institute, which for all purposes has delusions of grandeur. imagine, having slogged through five tedious semesters, the li'l engine simply slips back on the sixth semester, the core course is failed. this disqualifies him from sitting with the rest of his batch for campus placements, as he now has 'backlog' courses. imagine, that every student is allowed to sit for campus interviews only once, virtually eliminating all chances of acquiring a decent job. and oh btw, did i forget to tell you, the institute is still a new one, a thought experiment at formulating a new course, so is not officially recognised, but is already on the blacklist of several companies, all thanks to the first few batches (no shaan, this doesn't refer to you [:)]).

so,
1. No degree
2. No job
3. No chances of higher education
4. Lost four formative years, wasting time

now imagine, that all that i've written here can actually take place, and very much probable. now tell me, is there any reason why i should even worry about studying anything anymore?

the purfect jackass

hookay, for those of ya who donno know me, welcome to the world of the maniac.

me:

self-centered
wannabe
whiner
loser
crass
trying-to-sound-cool with apparently-smart-assed-wisecracks
follower
not-so-philosophical
kinda morose
irresponsible
whimp/wuss
always late
procrastinator extremum
dull n down

aslo me:

whimsical
retrospective
calm
verbal(i'm told)
considerate
friendly
motherly, even (ya, go on, i don't mind the jokes)
mamma's boy
smiling
villager lost in the big city
adjusting
limerickal! (:D)
daydreaming
pining for attention, will settle for care

reminds me of my SSC english story, TOW King Friedrich and Voltaire. Voltaire's described as a "bundle of contradictions". probly like that phrase kinda stuck in my system somewhere....

what am i doing?

i'm really afraid. my dad gives me vivekananda posters to boost my confidence in myself. how do i tell him that these very objects remind me how sorry a state i am in, needing artefacts to develop my confidence? how do i tell him that i never want to do public speaking workshops or character improvement courses? how do i tell him i don't want to manage my time, i want to let it flow? how do i tell him, i've been so spoonfed in my life i really don't know what it means to believe in myself? how do i tell him that my life ain't worth living at all?

a very good friend of mine told me that everyone of us always, i mean always wears a mask. sometimes, i feel that is kinda true. pause for a moment, and think of baring your deepest fears, your highest ambitions to someone, and you'll understand what you're hiding from the rest of us... is this because we are afraid of ourselves or opening up ourselves to others? i sure think so. there's a part of every one of us that's a li'l bit irrational, deranged even. it might be the smallest of things, like the door should be closed when ur in the room, or probably that all the pens and pencils should be in a particular corner of the desk. or maybe quite different things. but imagine if other people find out about these ideosyncracies..do we still remain the same person as before, or do we get conscious of what we are doing, every minute of the day. are you a different person, now that others know you like things a li'l different? or is it just because they'll make fun if they know, that we hide these things from them. do we hide anything from our parents? unintentionally maybe, even? are you ever scared that you've let down your parents? or do they support you enough to know when you've failed, and when you are really trying to succeed... what's your life got to do with your parents' anyway? or is it "oh my god! what are you sayin, that's blasphemy" to you? are we really living our lives for ourselves? do we have the right to live our lives for ourselves? shouldn't we be living our life for our parents, who brought us into this world, and when finished with that, live for the children that you're sure to bring into this world? oh no don't worry, i'm not doing dope, and neither am i a chuck palahniuk enthusiast. i'm willing to show you my real self, the way i am when there's no one around, or when no one's watching. but then, do you promise to still look at me the same way as before, and not be terrified? no i'm no psycopath, and neither am i a serial killer or a child rapist. but do you really have the guts to share my deepest emotions? and then will you have the courage to share with me yours? is this what they call face-off, where both the parties involved remove the masques? am i boring or what! right now, i'm listening to suneeta rao's pari hoon main, which roughly translates to i'm a fairy. sadly, these are times when fairy means a negative connotation. and sorry, i forgot to mention, i'm no fairy either. kinda feel like shouting i'm not air, i'm not wind..bullaki jaana main kaun hoon! who am i? who are you? no that's your name. no that's what you do. no that's your address, name, rank, serial no, id card, passport. who are you? what are you doing on this earth? no no, i don't mean on this earth as a factor of emphasis, i mean on this earth as in what right do you have living on this planet? does helping mankind give you any right? did mankind ever thank you for that help? or are you just a 'philanthrope who believes in mankind'? the only help one could possibly do to mankind is to supply gratiano's "halter gratis". i believe everyone of us is a shylock, and that he'd have been better off taking that rope. i believe in death, the impartial equaliser. i believe that the world is a horrible place. as much as i agree that chitra's poem is beautiful, i still believe it is idealistic, not realistic. there's a very thin line between realism and pessimism, and i believe that's because of the world, not because of me. i believe that Iain M Banks' Culture is not a viable option for us humans. there was a time, when i thought nothing was impossible, all that one needs is hardwork. now i'm waiting for that day again. i believe i'll never be able to find my neverland, cos of the simple reason that i'm too grounded in reality, and by god, i dare not dream of high hopes. no there's nothing really wrong in my life, just that it isn't mine. and i really dunno whether i wanna believe in myself anymore.

too much

too many things to do,
too many things to think
too many things to take you down
and end your life in a wink.

too many things to see
too many things to say
too many things to flee from
since life isn't yours to sway.

too many things to pray for
too many things to fear from
too many things to let alone
coz life ain't a junior high prom

too many things to experience
too many things not to
too many things to hold on
live life, do you ought to?

Bakar

what's with him anyway?

well, that's a rhetoric, so don't bother to answer. but apart from all the cheap tricks he plays, i do see some meaning in the lectures. slides atleast, as probably that might have been copied from somewhere. i mean, come to think of it, the lectures actually do have some meaning and substance as opposed to the lecturer. what do i do? what do i do? .... me too busy doing nothing in sen lab, so came up with some interesting propositions. just take a look.

okay, here are some guidelines, and proposals on how to improve on this course:

• make it an elective, it is too trying on students not related to software engineering.
• make it a course with 6 credits, as 5 credits quite obviously does not deserve this kind of effort.
• stretch out the course onto two semesters.
• First semester, only theory. teach all the principles, the phases, tricks, whatever. take pop quizzes, take exams, take vivas. no labs.
• ask the students to come up with ideas for projects, viable in 1 sem. let them search, improvise, reuse and generally ponder on ideas and topics for projects.
• Second sem, only labs. no lectures, tuts + 2x2hr labs. teach the tools of the trade, take evaluations instead of exams, vivas instead of pops.
• increase the team size. divide each group into two teams, of thirty members each.
• either of the team acts as the client and developer for the other. as in group 1A signs a contract with group 1B, stating as to what they want, and how they want it. group 1B goes ahead and develops the software. the reverse also goes, as in 1Bsigns with 1A. or some such shematic can be developed, whereby the teams actually work for a live client with demands. or probably the institute can act as the client, actually offering some fee as an incentive. industry environment does not mean a professor breathing down on the student's necks. it means real and live situations. it can be simulated. or ask our parent company if it has some ideas.
• make the course exciting, such that the students actually want to achieve something, not just grades and a good impression on the lecturer.

what would you people say? i mean these are my ideas. feel free to state your own. remember, there are chances of out feedback being considered, if it is constructive. no point in crying our loud that the course should be cancelled.

hello world!

ya i know it's cliched, but living in this ne0-cyber 'techie' insti, you get used to 'hello world' a lot.

neways, hello ppl. welcome to my world, my space.

i like to think of it as bizarre, dark and mysterious, but finally it might look like a lot of silly whimsical fabrication...

i really don't care.

i am me.

ppl love me, ppl hate me, ppl can't even stand me sometimes. same goes with me. (i.e, i luv me, i hate me, i can't stand me, and not the other way round...) i like to think of myself as big tank with a lot of potential output, but i kinda have trouble figuring out what that output is. for all i know, that tank might turn out to be a sewage collection sump! or might be the crystal clear pool of elixir, which gives life to the gods! ah, fancy is but my sly friend, offering a hand for me to step on, just so that the hand can be taken away the moment i step on it.

come to think of it, i really have trouble finding out what i did with my life all this while. a dormant bear whose full potential is yet to be seen? or a lab rat whose faith in life has completely vanished? or just a deer sampling the grass in this country, before moving along with the herd? i dunno. bullah ki jaana mein kaun hoon!

a dry leaf fluttering in the wind, an ant driven by the herd mentality, a mindless automaton. i envy them. no need to think, no need to take decisions, no need to take responsibility. i hate taking responsibilities. i've been fed on 'guidance' and 'advice' for so long, i don't know what it's like to stand up for your word, for your thought. coz i never did. a vicious cycle i say, to be spoonfed. i haven't yet found the way to break that mould. and have no idea whether i'll ever be able to!

so much for today, so much for 'morrow.
life goes on, be it gay or sorrow!
none hath the power to still time,
for none can cange the rhyme.

Scissors

scissors cuts paper.
paper wraps rock,
rock blunts scissors...

this is the age old cycle of japanese tradition. this kinda cuts the picture of three snakes, eating the next's tail. much like the dream which lead to the discovery of the arrangement of carbon atoms in benzene. Now that was a miraculous discovery, which eventually lead to the formation of organic chemistry as a different science. incidentally, that same carbon is what transforms plain old iron into steel, which is used to make scissors. this universe is simply great, man, i mean you won't find such complete closure anywhere else. closure as in the mathematical concept, but that's a whole different blog again...

now that we've seen one cycle that involves scissors, let's not talk about cycles, or i'll lose sight of my topic. scissors. that sheer metallic tool with razor sharp edges, one of the many tools that are usable solely due to the concept of opposable thumbs. i mean even if we did not have opposable thumbs, we could still have used a hole-puncher (for punching holes in what is a different matter :), but scissors needs a hand with an opposable thumb. like Ross is so fond of saying, Evolution is not an accident, it is a logical consequence. how else could you explain opposable thumbs? there i go again. lost sight of the real topic, which is scissors. also, like all tools, it uses levers. actually the whole body comprises of two class-I levers, riveted at their mutual fulcrums(or is it fulcri?). levers come in three classes. class I has the fulcrum in the middle, class II and class III have Load and Effort one each in the middle. i forget which is which. this was taught way back in 7th grade physics, which is when we also learnt that biology was a different subject, and the same age when i realised that girls are actually a different species. actually girls are much better at crafts (and boys obviously took to sports better), atleast that was the impression we had at that time in school. crafts again include lots of other arts. and in my school, a whole set was compulsory for crafts class. the set consisted of paint brushes, water colours, an old rag, pencils of different grades (even now, i don't really understand why we have 2H pencils), a clean long eraser, wax crayons, a drawing book, and ya of course, a scissors! later on, in higher classes, we were also taught needlework! (atleast they tried, but couldn't make a good job out of it). as i was saying, a needle is yet another tool (sheer metallic and pointed... ) that needs opposable thumbs to work with.

scissors is often misunderstood as a weapon of destruction, as happens with most things that are sharp (tools, instruments, wit, humour...). they tend to be destructive in the wrong hands. but place them in the right hands, and you will see creativity spout out of that complete 'closed' circle of hands and tool. again, one needs to lose some things to gain others. similarly, when a shape is cut using scissors, the border or the frame might be misconstrued as a wastage, but it makes great 'designer' stuff. i mean go through a whole week, pasting all the li'l scraps caused by the scissors onto a cardboard, and voila! you've got a collage! now that's designer stuff, ain't it? neways, i think i've blabbered enuff on scissors for tonight. meet you again next week, same time, same blog, same address. or earlier than that if i can. ciao.

Moral Obligation

what would u say? apart from parents, i really do not think we owe anything to anybody else.

Now that i've finished discussing the topic, let us move onto the fun stuff. you know what my dream life is? it's the life of a hero of a cyberpunk novel. the world at your fingertips, life is a long unending night, parties going on every other night, the day flits by like a filmy screen of dazed sleep, booze and fags at your disposal, slavering away at your terminal with a shot-induced clarity, breaking and making codes, creating cyber-fortresses, finding faults with other's, hacking into your own system to check for faults, man! i already feel like that lead role in Swordfish! imagine this. you've created a perfect cyberworld, a matrix where there is no worry. would you be brave enough to hook urself into it?

well, anyway, that's one of the possiblities. i wouldn't mind being batman either, but only if i also get to have the batcave, batgirl(s), batplane, and of course batmobile goes without saying. i wouldn't mind not having a robin though.

i picture you smiling condescendingly at this foolish outpour of childish fantasies from a yet immature adult. but, i tell you, dreams are what makes the world go round. atleast, definitely in my head.

all this is just mindless gibberish, so let's talk some math.

why did set theory come about? i say it has the same root, as the question why does wine come in so many varieties, or the question why is language necessary. see the connection? probably won't, even after i'm done, but just bear with me. i say man has this need to understand everything. atleast certain individuals did. so they said, let's give names to everything, so that i can understand what you are talking about. so they gave names to everything, and that's how language came about.
but like i said somewhere else, calling a chair a chair is pretty mundane, though pragmatic. i mean i'd love nothing more than calling a chair a chair, but certain people would not agree. they would say "hey, i agree that this object is a chair. but it is more than a chair. it was crafted 200 years ago, with so and so wood, by so and so great artist, so please give it due respect, and call it an 18th century Chippendale. It's worth more than you earn in a whole year."
you see, calling a chair a chair was not enough. they had to give it some fanciful name just so that everyone who knows will immediately recognise all the craft that went into it, and those who do not know it are left with a sense of awe and respect for something that is esoteric to their rather base tastes. it's the need to do something out of the ordinary, it's the need to break away from routine, it's the need to be creative. also, once you do something creative, you would want to label it as something special, so that people will know it has something special (even though they do not see what is special in it). so there arises the need for classification, labelling, segregation and building boundaries around things. that's the same need that gave rise to sets. by putting elements in sets, you are saying "you belong here, you element!" and then you take subsets and say okay all of you are special. and then you take another subset and say okay all of you are worthy. and then another subset says you are invaluable! extremely important. so you see, if that need for segregation was absent, we wouldn't be able to appreciate art. but neither would we have to study Set Theory! so you see, arts and science have the same root.

am i cool or what!?!

Warning: the length of this article may contain explicit, possibly offensive content. readers are discouraged from reading further and are advised to change their fucking mindsets.

okay. now that we are done with the prelude shit, what was i talking 'bout? ya myself. now about me, i'm a stinking wussy. think about a guy who belches a lot, farts a lot, makes much more annoying noises, and revels in the knowledge that he's so disgusting that some ppl prefer to stay away from him. and i haven't even started off on his underwear usage statistics. picture a wasted 20-yr old, who's into drugs, has no dough to pay for anything. you know, a scraggly beard, sunken-in eyes, hair growing 'every-which' way, spec's with one leg hanging out, jeans worn more than a month, same t-shirt for weeks, no bath, no idea where he is, no idea what's he gonna do tomorrow, today or now. Now cut-out the drugs part, and throw in some money, enough to survive through the haze of smoke. and that's only the physical appearance.
talk about integrity, and that's one thing that you won't find in this pathetic figure. he can't stand up for anything he says, can't stand up by himself for anything at all, can argue endlessly about anything even without making sense. his words are worth nothing at all. his life is a lie. he lives just so that his parents can live in the false belief that their 'child' is pursuing his undergraduate studies. the only thread of meaning that he's hanging by is that of his respect for his parents and family. or possibly the cowardice to relieve himself from this despicable existence. nothing holds any interest for him, except possibly the globular appendages of the female species. the way he's dredging along in this river of life, you'll be surprised to know that he even has friends. attributing a pukka palahnuick character would be gross injustice to palahnuick hisself, cos there's so much more disgusting about his chracters, that there exists certain beauty in being able to live a life so low. but even that doesn't hold for this character we are talking about. he's rational, but mindless. he's intelli but definitely stupid. he's trying to grow up, but is still a mindless teenager who doesn't want to. life is rushing past him by the hour, and he's just content if he's let all alone by himself to sit on a rock and watch all this from third-person, puffing away to eternity. but then, he'll have to struggle for food, which again needs some work to do. and work is one thing this fellow despises. he is capable of doing mundane things, but he won't do them, b'coz they're mundane. a pathetic dreamer. loves fantasizing about possibilities, but hates to work for them. he doesn't even hate everything, which would enable people to label him off as a social outcast. all he hates is himself. loves to put people in a fix. but is in a fix himself.

and what still eludes him is the fact that he has friends who believe in him.

what say u?

like i was saying, i keep postponing polly to the perennial 'tomorrow'. like scarlet o'hara's so fond of saying, i'll let it worry me tomorrow. i have a question to ask you ppl. does everything you do need to have a reason? i mean given the choice of two things to do: 1., which would in some rational way help you, your life, family, health, or whatever. 2., which you desperatley want to do, just because you want to. it wouldn't really help you over much in your career or life, except that you'll have the satisfaction of looking back one day and saying to yourself "you know what? i had the guts to do what i wanted, and i did it!" so given the choice between 1 and 2, which would you pick? and given say n such choices, would you pick the same choice over and over again? i mean isn't there anything called 'irrational irrepressible passion' in our lives anymore? does everything we need to do have a reason? i really see no reason to have a reason! (so my friend naresh might instantly shoot up saying this is a halting problem, and so undecidable, but hey that's my whole point. since it is undecidable, there is no reason we need to have a reason).
its one thing that i'm allergic to. i love chaos. where there are no rules, but unspoken laws govern the state. where nothing is evident on the face, but everything does have a deeper implication. where whatever you do is not punishable, since punishment occurs only in a rational world. you have the freedom to indulge in your passions. live them out, or get burnt in the process! choose 2.

S*x Sux or what!?

We were having this discussion the other day, okay, about how come three young adults, desperate to "lose their flower", are still virgins! i mean if this was in the infamous U.S. of A, we would already have lost it, considering that we are already going on 20. i mean, you would either find people who already have had sex, or atleast don't want any part of it ruining their lives. not like us, who are desperate, yet do not have the oppurtunity to indulge! and why would you think that the situation is so? is this the famous parampara of the largest democracy in the world, that young adults are to be kept restrained from indulging their basest instincts?
and of course there is the other type of male species of the human kind, which actually believe that not having a chance to indulge is actually for their own good! i mean how immature can one be? let alone not having had sex "all willy-nilly", but actually believing that you are not supposed to? by god we are in the dark ages! no wonder the world just swooped past us while we were still recovering from the hangover of achieving our very own independence. i mean 50 yrs of independence, and all that we have to show is the glorious past, and of course the zero contribution to math, meaning zilch. 0. nothing, and that's what we are good for.
i sometimes have a feeling all of this is our very own doing, you know, like the song which goes :we are all just prisoners here, of our own device: or was it of our only vice? here we are, caught in the very deep mesh of tradition, family values, etc.. blah blah, while all that we want to do is have some clean good fun. is that wrong? "YES IT IS", shout co-human beings of the same age, and deeper we sink into the mesh. aw for cripes' sakes get me outta here!!

Here I Am

so i'm cruising along okay, mindless of the myriad worries of the world, cocooned in the comfort of knowledge, of knowing that nothing drastic can happen to me, not now while i'm cruising along so peacefully. i use the word cruise, not because i'm on an open deck of a 100-foot yacht, nor because i'm driving a Harley-Davidson, though i'd love to do both. i use 'cruise' coz the word immediately brings to my mind the StarWars like desert scooters, or the scene in The Incredibles where Dash propels Elastigirl's boat. you know, the dream of every boy stuck in a rut somewhere in the world's corner: to leave everything behind and 'feel the elements', like the wind in your hair, or sun shining on your face, or the cool touch of water while canoeing down rapids, you get my drift... cruising along is something i've always wanted to do, to take time out from this fast-paced world and get to know myself a little better. it holds that touch of adventure, that li'l dash of romance, the unknown and the challenging, while still giving you the security of knowing that you always have a safety-belt to rely on. so i am in such a state, not on any vehicle per se, unless you call this material body a vehicle. so here i am, just drifting along with the currents of time, being jostled by the madding crowd, still somehow remaining calm and unperturbed, like in the cruise i've always wanted to be on.

and along came polly. polly is one thing i've always avoided, thought of confronting it, but like so many other events in my shallow li'l life, i've always adjourned it to a 'tomorrow' that never yet came. polly has the potential to destroy me completely, so much so that i even fear thinking about it. polly has the ability to lift me up to nirvana, and so even while i fear thinking about it, i gaze at it longingly. polly is the question: where am i headed?